how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
