Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
