My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
