I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
