ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
