I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
