It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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