I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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