When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I don't deserve a penis
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
