They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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