if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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