I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
