i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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