Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
