i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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