I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
