I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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