We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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