I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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