YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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