dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
