Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
