I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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