I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
