my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
