I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
