Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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