You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
a search helicopter?!
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
