We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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