Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
