Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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