wrigley field is MILF paradise
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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