Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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