A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
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