Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
