You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize