oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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