sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
