I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
