Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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