I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
