Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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