sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
