You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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