the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
