You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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