She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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