saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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