I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
