So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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