So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
