Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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