I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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