the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
