I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
