no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
