OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
