if i can run in heels then i can drive
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
