it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
