hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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