Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
