i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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