i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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