I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
