pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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