I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
